听不到
im blogging to show rachel liau im not dead.hur.
no la
i just feel un-talked to.
im quite amazed at drama king actually, he goes thru the same exam difficulty as i do.
throw me ten essays,
but no exams can.
o wells.
cannot.
the thing is im tired,
i cant think on the spot.
im not the kind of person who can formulate arguments there n then n link it into a coherent article.
give me three days to think about it, ten books (or more) and i will give u the best essay ever, or at least the best i can do,
but like what he says, i cant just use it as an excuse to forgo my exams just because its not my forte.
but it makes me really tired, to realise i cant have sparks of geniuses without restrain.
sumhow, its hard living up to my "o-my-tian-how-did-i-eva-get-tht-sort-of-cap" grades last sem.
cause people think im smart, hardworking and brilliant.
well im not,
i try to be when im not sleeping or thinking bout sewing and designs.
yes impractical, I KNOW, just thinking oooooook.
sumhow, there are expectations, the sort which surrounds me and people telling me, haiya essay dou A liao exams only ma.
but exams are darn it 60%.
and i learnt tht lesson hard last sem.
though OK FINE I STILL DID REASONABLY WELL.
OKOKOK I DID WELL. GET OVER IT ALR.
i want to talk to someone.
who tells me its ok.
its ok to slip.
its ok to not get my honours.
its not COMPULSORY.
to make me feel like i havent failed someone.
whoeva that is.
i want to know i will still be me, i will still be in this, so what.
ok fine, i need someone to comfort me so even if i slip i wont feel like its outrageous, and totally deviant.
will it be more human if i get worse grades then improve?
but because of some stroke of luck i scored well last sem
and cause of my FREAK OUT BEFORE EXAMS SERIOUSLY nature i look like the hardworking-iest person eva.
and i cant freak out because i did well last sem?
what sort of reasoning is that?
im paranoid.
but i dont deserve to be?
this is not good for my heart i say.
i totally felt like breaking down after deviance.
its kinda like, u poured your soul and u found light in it,
but someone tells u nope, not needed, sorry, we need people who can crap stuff during the exam and twist it.
and then there was this sense of neutrality,
in telling myself, this is not my whole life and identity.
or isit?
cause i know the boyfriend will talk to me bout structural realities and all.
and yes i totally understand it, sure do. and im well trying. but its tiring.
i deserve to be happy right?
i guess.
o wells.
it will pass.
like everything else.
(i think it feels better not striving towards an honours, i guess u dun think so)
(so i will strive for it, dont worry :) )
This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.
Wake up in the morning, stumble on my life
Can't get no love without sacrifice
If anything should happen, I guess I wish you well
A little bit of heaven, but a little bit of hell
This is the hardest story that I've ever told
No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I feel as if I'm wasted
And I'm wastin' everyday
rahhhh
11:35 PM
Thursday, April 10, 2008
yalalalallalalala
after meddling with polyvore for 2 whole hrs, picking out my fav accessories wad-nots so as to give the boyfriend a better idea of what a good gift is, i cldnt sign up, thus i cldnt save my draft, after countless tries, i closed the window in a fit of anger. and so now, the boyfriend will not know wad i want. Forcing me now to have to describe it in words. so here goes (BOYFRIEND YOU BETTER CONTINUE READING) get me jewellry tht is delicate and pretty and non rustable and wadnots. the word is delicate. ok fine i like chunky acessories but tht i can get myself, i dun trust u to it for now, ok mayb like 30 yrs down the road u might get it right with the chunky jewellry. but for now, PUH-LEASE stick to those charming little delicate peices. thank you. chanel pearl earrings would be nice. WINKS.anyways i got my go hk try to get list ready! yay!
- Dior gaucho.
thts it.
hurhur.
ok on the emo-side,
i feel inadequate.
as in u know not good enough.
for wad im not clear of.
but o wells its always nice having tots of being a better person in life.
anyways, i have been v irritated with my anna sui perfume. it doesnt stay on me. it just dissolves and is un-smellable after half an hr. and im really irritated cause i love tht scent. tsk. must be because i got it from the taiwan nightmarket. which makes me feel like gettin another bottle from u know RELIABLE sources. tsk. and so i have been using the victoria secrets scent the boyfriend got from the land of the free (which i think is one of the best gifts by far, its SO USABLE yet not like overly practical eg: bluetooth). anyways it smells yippee-ness in a very heavy way. its really nice for nights, but i want sth light and sweet and "icanfly" in the day. but ok fine the finals are coming n here i am rambling bout perfumes.
talking bout scents. before the rambling on perfumes, i was going to say. i realise i remember scents of ppl ard me. and if i uberly duperly love u i remember ur scent more. scent as in er ur smell, no not odour, ok might be but i dunno. thats not the point. the point is, i realise scents r duperly alluring. i can remember someone more because of his/her scent. like the boyfriend has a clothes smell. no nice refreshing perfume or colonge or like vibrancy in his scent, but tht down to earth washing powder smell - which i think kinda speaks volumes bout who he is. and so i love smelling his sleeves as we walk. and since my height allows me to, i can stuff my face into his sleeve, arm. not pit. tht wld be disgusting. but sum ppl have no scent at all, like no perfume, no soap smell, no washing powder smell, no odour, just NO SMELL. and i wonder if im one of them too, considering how perfumes dont last on me. but i dun want to be scentless, or ordour emitting(which im glad im not). ooo ya. i love the smell of babies. they just have tht powdery smell. tht well ok, disappears when they poo. but reappears after u change their diapers. to quote my deviance lecturer's fav phrase. "BEAUTIFUL!"
rahhhh
1:10 AM
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
Someone Small
'But you don't even know me,' Sophie Mol said. 'And anyway, i don't love you.''But you will, when you come to know me,' Rahel said confidently.
'I doubt it,' Estha said.
'Why not?' Sophie Mol said.
'Because,' Estha said. 'And anyway she's most probably going to be a dwarf.'
As though loving a dwarf was completely out of the question.
rahhhh
1:40 AM
Thursday, April 03, 2008
the notebook. to the one still holding my hand when im old.
I'm so tired but I can't sleepStandin' on the edge of something much too deep
It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard
But I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
the tingle in my toes.
i thought.
rahhhh
1:32 AM
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
cause tattoos are not possible anymore.
http://childhoodflames.blogspot.com/she makes me feel like taking up sewing lessons.
i used to draw endlessly when i was young,
and all i drew were women in gowns, dresses, outfits blah.
and i racked my brains to figure how i could "design" them.
and i drew, and drew, and drew, for hours.
i always thought learning to sew would be part and parcel of my life when i grew up.
but then i jolt back to reality, when i see where im living in.
the days went by,
and now im here, me,
and no i dun sew,
i dun draw.
and i have outfits i reckon are me.
but then i jolt back to reality, when i see where im living in.
since i have not accomplished anything this sem.
i guess i will make taking up sewing one of my goals for the yr.
and mayb one day i'll learn that mayb i have myself,
that mayb i need not live to wad others may want me too be.
